planes mistaken for stars

&we're all dying from what we can't touch.
&we've built shines of where we've laid.
we're only lying to say we'll lay there again.
so fuck your remember whens,
because we're still breathing.
this is your document. your last dance.
so fuck your standing still.





such amazing lyrics.

nothing ever changes as we all grow older

so, i've been thinking. and i think when people get older they just settle. there's no logical explanation as to why there are so many people in their early 20s who are single, but when you get to your late 20s the number is more than cut in half. you don't automatically meet your "soulmate" when you hit 25. you just give up trying and settle. pretty sure i've got that figured out.

also pretty sure that i hate the person/people who made me feel like that.
and pretty sure that i hate money. and lack of it. and being 24 and trying to establish a career during a recession. and the fact that this is my first summer where i don't have at least one day during the week off. and the fact that i have no idea what my job title will even be in a matter of weeks. and driving home from work. and living at home, because i don't have enough space for myself.


the past 2 weeks (during the week) have been so shitty that i don't remember the last time i was so down on myself and life. some of it's my fault. some of it is just sheer bad luck.

i told rena that god is real and he got mad at me for saying he's not and for talking shit on him all the time, so he's pissing all over me. i'm probably right. hah.



fuck.the.world.because.the.world.fucked.me

other than all of that though

when i'm not down about money or living at home and having no space/time to myself, i really am having a ton of fun.

being a tumbleweed, blowing where life takes me.

rena and i went to philly last weekend and were seriously all over the place.
a clothing line launch for our friend katie's boyfriend, katies house for drinking games, a first friday party called the bounce that was amazing. one of the funnest dance parties i've been to.
we spent the night at esun's house, after a long night of making him dance with us.
brunch at south street diner with rae, then to the barbary for one life crew. ruled seeing them. never really thought i'd have the chance.
got some food and went into center city to drink.
kyle (bf from 5 years ago) showed up. that ruled.
me, him, and rena slept in my car because none of our friends answered their phones to give us a place to sleep, hahaha.

life is most fun when it's at its most random.

there's too much there sometimes

i want to re-do everything.
it would be awesome.

i would never have gone to college.
and if i had, it wouldn't have been for photography.
it would've been for some joke major that businesses all seem to find so amazing.
accounting, finance, business, etc.

i wouldn't have left philly.
i would've figured it out on my own.
that way i wouldn't have gotten involved with josh.

i would've worked more in high school.
that way i would've had some more experience in saving money.
i would've probably been out of my house by now.


i hate going through this thing with my job.
i feel like they look at me like i'm shit.
when in reality i'm not. at all.
i grew up with a bunch of people who turned into cokeheads, heroin addicts, alcoholics, junkies, and whores.
i never did any of that. it showed me what i didn't want.



i have no time for photography if i want to do things with my friends.
i don't even have the space in my fucking small ass room to do any studio type work that i want.
and even if i did have the time, i don't have the money to get film developed.
or the darkroom that my dad promised he would set up for me.


i want to go on vacation and never fucking come back.

the babysitters club

so, i would like someone to write the high school and college years of the babysitters club, so we can watch their friendships deteriorate.

that's real life. not this friends forever at 13 years old bullshit.




regardless, i loved those books and the movie.

FML moment of the day.

the internet is generally a safe place when it comes to avoiding my exboyfriends.

i woke up feeling good, but deciding to get an extra day off so i don't get myself sick again.
i'm having a good time, reading funny websites, etcetc. i go to facebook to look at my friends new pictures. i'm scrolling down and i see a relatively attractive dude in a white terror shirt...then i realize it's lemon (he wears that shirt nonstop, only reason i put the two together).

we text once in awhile. but that's a lot easier than seeing him.
especially since i know like nothing about him now apparently.


fml.




so glad this medication that i'm on doesn't prohibit drinking because i'm getting wasteddddd this weekend.

getting really girly for a moment.

but would love for a dude to look at me like that.


i have such a crush on dev patel everytime i watch slumdog millionaire.
it's probably a combination of his wifebeater/buttondown, chasing a girl around 10 years without ever having kissed her, coming from the slums and still being a qt, and just generally being goofy looking enough to be cute.


done being a fag now.
back to being a dude.

since I haven't written in a month...here's april in pictures.

oh dundalk, you're pretty once in awhile.



truer words were never spoken...










here's april in pictures...

waking up to the green of your eyes, is something i'll get used to OH!

life rules.

new found glory tonight. stoked because they always play all my favorites. climbing all over people and jumping up and down all night. cannot wait. pop punk takes me back to being 16 and not caring about anything but the moment i'm in. you know, young and wide-eyed. all that good stuff. i miss it. and springtime is always when i'm most nostalgic for that age-range of my life because kids are coming out in the neighborhood, hanging out and being general nuisances...that used to be me. i'd love to do that again. this is a perfect time for new found glory to play.

i like when boys that i think are babes also think that i am a babe. this happened to me last night and i smiled. he has a girlfriend. which is fine bc ew boys have cooties if you do more than look at them.

i got a blackberry. it's pretty cool. i feel more adult...even though i'm only using it to talk shit via text; tweet; and go on myspace while i'm at work since i can't on my work computer, hahahahah.

i'm doing good at work. i'm taking on a lot of responsibilities and not letting people down, so hopefully that means good things in the future.

been drinking more than i should, probably. but i'm getting old so i gotta do something, plus tony's been my sugar daddy all week so it's been free for meeee. drinking leftover beer from united blood tonight.

all in all, i'm loving life.

i can't believe we're actually doing it.

we have our plane tickets.



i never thought that i'd get to do this, i figured last year was the last chance i'd have.
i don't care that i'm going to end up dropping almost $1,000 on hardcore.
one hundred fucking percent worth it.
traveling across the country with some of my best friends, summertime, hardcore, beer, THE BEACH!
i don't think i'm going to have enough vacation time to cover it. and i know i'm going to be pretty broke saving up between now and then, but it's so worth it.


i say i hate my life all the time, but i really fucking love it. everything wins.

egh

saturday is going to be a mess.
i need a designated driver.

surroundings is playing,
so expect amazing things from me by the end of the night.

fml, it never changes.

YESSSSSSS!

it's back!!!! finally. i love football, but nothing compares to this.

lil wayne wants to do it to me.

proof:


(Lil' Wayne)
un
I like a long haired thick red bon
open up her legs then filet mignon that pussy
I’ma get in and on that pussy
if she let me in I’ma own that pussy
go’n throw it back and bust it open like you ‘posed to
girl I got that dope dick
now come here let me dope you
you gon’ be a dope fiend
your friends should call you dopey
tell ‘em keep my name out they mouth if they don’t know me
huh
but you can’t come and tunecha
I’ll fuck the whole group
baby I’m a groupie
my sex game is stupid
my head is the dumbest
I promise
I should be hooked on phonics
haha


but anyway I think you’re bionic
and I don’t think you’re beautiful
I think you’re beyond it
and I just wanna get behind it
and watch you
(back it up and dump it back-
back it up and dump it back)

[CHORUS]
cuz we like her
and we like her too
and we like her
and we like her too
and we like her
and we like her too
and we like herr
and she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world

[Drake:]
yea
alright
(ohh ohhh)
she be jumpin up and down
tryna fit that ass in
took her half an hour
just to get that belt to fasten
all they want to talk about is partyin’ and fashion
every single night I have a dream that I am smashin’
them all
Young Money man this shit so timeless
and I’m in the mood to get faded so please bring your finest
and what are all your names again we drunk remind us
are any y’all into girls like I am lets be honest

she wants me she wants me
cuz I got it all shawty tell me what you don’t see
I will fuck with all y’all
all y’all are beautiful
I just can’t pick one so you can never say I’m choosy hoes
and Wayne say pussy pussy pussy
and weed and alcohol seem to satisfy us all
damn
and every time I think of staying with her
she bring that friend around that make a nigga reconsider man

(CHORUS)

[Jae Millz:]
I ain’t being disrespectful baby I’m just being Millz
and I don’t know how fake feels so I gotta keep it real
I just wanna fuck every girl in the world
every model every singer every actress every diva
every house of diddy chick every college girl every skeezer
stripper and every desperate housewife that resemble eva
my role model was will
so married boy I’m in the milf
it don’t matter who you is miss
you can get the business
haaaa

[Gudda Gudda:]
these hoes is gods gift like Christmas
I like ‘em caramel skin long hair thick ass
and I swear I’m feelin’ all y’all
I’m scrollin’ down my call log
and I’ma call all y’all
my butter pecan Puerto Rican
she screamin’ out “papi” every time a nigga deep in
and I’m about to get my Bill Clinton on
and Hilary can Rodham too boy I gets my pimpin’ on

(CHORUS)

cuz we like her
and we like her too
and we like her
and we like her too
and we like her
and we like her too
and we like herr
and she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world (11X)


[Mack Maine:]
and bitch I’m Mack Maine -aine -aine -aine
Sanaa Lathan
Meagan Good
Angelina Jolie
hah
D Woods
for free suites I’d give Paris Hilton all-nighters
in about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don’t discriminate, no not at all
kit kat a midget if that ass soft I break her off
I exchange V cards with the retards
and get behind the Christian like DR cuz he are
Mack Mizzo
baby
cuz he are Mack Mizzo
baby

[OUTER CHORUS:]
AND....
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world (DEEP VOICE FADE)

Young Mula baby

if i had a time machine...

i was thinking this morning that i wish life was like a "choose your own adventure" book. and that after you're done living and shit, you could pick a point in time and go back and try the other option. see how that turned out.

i've been thinking lately how 2005 was the most defining/changing year of my life.
not one thing went as planned and i made major changes that are still affecting me now.

what if instead of leaving the art institute and moving home to be with josh i had stayed.
what would my job be like now? i'd have a degree but would i be happy? would i have lost touch with everyone who means the world to me right now? would rob and i have patched things up and got back together (oh, lolz)?

life would be so different if i had stayed in philly. i probably wouldn't be the wreck of a person that i am sometimes if i had. but would i have met anyone who made me feel like josh did.


i am way too undecided not to get do-overs in life. blah.



party time in fells tonight, woooo weekendz!
opening day with rena on monday!!!

it's like you're falling in love while i just fall apart

lately i really miss dave and josh (jones).
things keep coming up that bring back really strong memories with them.

i can't believe dave's been dead over a year now.
i still can't really fathom what could've made him feel like hanging himself was better than life.

i realized that i had been on the path to just shutting people out completely and giving up on people before they have a chance to prove it before dave died, but after that i kind of really lost it.

i don't know if it's possible for me to trust people or let people in that haven't already been around me long enough for me to realize that they don't plan on going anywhere.

i'm not even really making sense, i'm sure. just jumbling thoughts all around. whatever.


took my polygraph yesterday. pretty sure i passed.
went out and celebrated in fells point.
tony had to drive my car home because i couldn't function.
i'm told that i threw pizza at him while he was driving.
i also ripped my jeans from the top of my thigh down to my shin.
i woke up with them still on me. oh, life.
why can't everyday be like that? hahhh

if i tried to explain it, i wouldn't know where to start

and life re-writes itself yet again.








different songs, same situations.
it can't always be them. at some point it becomes me.

we keep on trying to pull it through

if dreams really do tell you anything,
than my dream last night pretty much told me:


i've. got. problems. i'm. a. fucked. up. kid.




what else can i do at this point but try to lol about it?
i feel like my life is a joke when it comes to certain things.

these are the only crowded rooms where i am not alone

this is what it looks like when baltimore invades richmond.

even though the venue was too small and i barely saw anything, being at a fest is one of the best things i've ever done in my life. there is not enough money or time in my life for me to go to them all and it sucks. every band was so on point and sounded great. i have said it like 900 times, but hardcore is by far the best thing i have ever done and will ever do in my life.

also, riding home today, the weather was gorgeous and the windows were down (listening to saves the day of course) and even though there is a lot of shit bugging me right now, life felt about as close to perfect as it could get. friends, road trips, hardcore (music in general), and laughing are seriously the only things i need in my life.

i'm pretty sure you'd never find another group like us. i feel like we laugh and have fun so much more than most people. we discussed this at wafflehouse over breakfast this morning.




sound and fury's lineup is pretty weak at the moment, but if anyone wants to go, i'm seriously down. no care ever. twentysomething years old spending every dollar i get on things like that sounds perfect to me.

you've seen my worlds at warrrrr

the past couple weeks i was not even that stoked about united blood for some reason.
but i woke up this morning so stoked on life. this week has seriously sucked.
but tomorrow and saturday, seriously nothing matters. fests, ftw.
for some reason i didn't even realize blacklisted was playing,
so i'm 20x more excited (even having seen them like a hundred times, they still blow my mind).
our hotel room(s) are going to be totally packed with totally random people.
me and danny made up last weekend so he will be joining us i think. stoked.
so many pictures being taken. so many beers to drink. so much mosh.
i wish some people were coming that didn't get tickets in time :(
oh well. there's always this is hardcore.


blacklisted and the ergz all day.
packing/the sims/bob/rodos tonight.
partypartypartymoshmoshmosh this weekend!!! :D

seriously.

i wish i knew why everything i do is not good enough for my mom.
literally fucking everything.

i'm at my house one night a week,
and i spend the whole time being told that i'm not doing things fast enough, or right, or without bitching.
of course i'm bitching.
when i'm waiting on other people to give me answers, it's out of my hands, i can turn answers over in 5 minutes.


i want to spend nights at home sometimes,
but when i'm here i completely understand why i'm only here one night a week.
and that fucking sucks.

we'll be the rules that broke rules

i really need to clean my room. there are just shoes, art, and water bottles everywhere.

i like date days, like today was. just hanging out with bob.

we got up and went to slainte's for the liverpool game/breakfast.
then we went to the avenue so i could buy a book, we got ice cream, and we saw last house on the left. i really thought it was gonna let me down because i feel as though the original is a classic and shouldn't be touched. but it was good. i'd recommend it if you're into that style of horror. sam raimi has a new horror movie coming out too, which looks terrifying (but not in the vein of his other movies).
after that we went to target and best buy. we watched twilight.
it was good, but it probably doesn't deserve the rave reviews and worldwide phenomenon.
however, it does make being vampires seem so appealing (every vampire movie does that to me)

i'm so tired.
partying as hard as i did on friday usually destroys me for the rest of the weekend.
so now it's sex and the city season 2 til i fall asleep.

oh, lolz.

sex and the city is so true sometimes.
people really do date the same type of person over and over again.



it's friday.
i'm ready for another amazing weekend.

and i thought about saying no to hope

i won't let my past get the best of me.

7 years have made me into a bitter person and in a month he's fixing it all.





just please stay out of my life.
3 years of memories/bullshit is more than enough.
it's MY time to be happy.

mixtapes and memories

i also forgot how much i love this song:


I promise this won't be another song about being alone,
but all I feel is regretand I can't find the nerve to pick up the telephone.
I was thinking about how it drives me crazy
just to feel your hand in mine,and how simple that is
and I've thought about saying no to hope,
but I have this funny habit of putting pictures up on the wall of you and me.
I know that priorities never understand reality
and time never lends itself to those who are waiting on love.
But it is overdue that we should share this night and
Grace,your smile is the only thing that keeps me breathing.
and I've thought about saying no to hope,
but I have this funny habit of putting pictures up on the wall of you and me.
The hours pass by like minutes when I'm with you.
The hours pass like minutes in the rain.
So lets stand here in the rain forever.



the lyndsay diaries ftw.

youre no setting sun

i forgot how much it rules to have a shitty day
and have someone to be excited to see when you're off.
it seriously makes the day not so bad.

don't it feel like sunshine after all

jimmy eat world all day at work.








another successful weekend.


i'm in desperate need of a new cheap digital camera,
so that i can really start taking pictures of fun times.
i also need to start doing some photography again.
sarah likes to ride around with me and pick out stuff she thinks i'd like.




i ate a lot of delicious meals this weekend.
friday bob took me to longhorn. steak, shrimpz, beer. niceee.
saturday stuffed crust pizza from pizza hut (thx bill)
sunday little china!! so delicious. it's my lunch today.

this picture appeals to me so hard for some reason. McMillian.

but my brain knows better...

it's really unexpected and fast for me. and nothing that i was looking for.
but it really fits well. and i haven't been this excited about someone since 2006 (oof).


it was impossible not to smile when i was looking at him last night.
and i have no idea the last time that happened.
i like him. my friends like him. &they like us together.
some people are going to be pissed off. but such is life.


"and i know this might seem sudden and crazy
but these are the things i could never find a way to say"
the ergs are seriously writing my life right now.

kind of like smitten

me: i really really like fireworks
verrucktbass: i really really like u




he's changing me.

when you come home i'll jump up to kiss you

we are reasonably mature at this point in life.

and i feel like if there is an issue, then it should be discussed.

there really shouldn't be shittalking and sulking at this point.

that's all i really have to say on that subject.

i really want to go to the beach soon.

get a couple hotel rooms and hang out.

balconies and ocean breezes, hell yeah.

and the arcade, of course.

i STILL have all those tickets that i haven't cashed in.

been collecting since november 2007.

and cheap ass vans.

soon, please?

i had a lot of fun in DC, i wanna go back this weekend.

go to georgetown. olde town alexandria, maybe.

the art museums for sure, plz.

i like taking day trips and feel like it should happen frequently.

this picture makes me happy even though i look silly in it.

you said i must eat so many lemons

the past week and weekend seemed to last a month long at least. on monday i was out of work because of snow and then yesterday i was outside in a tanktop loving life. oh, the east coast.

work is a little slow at the moment so i figured i'd take some time for a real update.

i'm glad warm weather is coming. i feel so much more sane when it's warm out. probably because winter always shits on me so hard, in every aspect: work/school; dudes; money; home.

i told tricia the other day that i think she's one of the best people i know, and while i feel like it's totally untrue, she said the same to me. i love her, foreverrrr.

sarah and i read livejournals we posted in 2005. saying we loved each other and we'd never fight and be shitty to each other like her and darcee. oh the things that time tells, hahah. it's so random looking back on things that were written/pictures that were taken years ago that tell the future and you have no idea at the time.


i really don't want to be cynical and skeptical anymore. 23 is too young for that.
i was telling esun about a book that i had made a few semesters back in my bookmaking class, about the people that have come in&out of my life and even though for the most part they've come back in one way or another (unless they are dead of course) they have all severely fucked me up and my outlook on things. i want it to change.


if i do what i feel like i'm heading in the path of doing, i'm going to end up hurting a couple people. and i feel bad about that, but i also feel like i can't keep doing the same shit over and over, i deserve more than that. on the other hand, i also don't feel like i deserve how i'm being treated right now. it's weird, i think semi-highly of myself, but i don't really see why other people do.



idk. i'm too vague on blog because it's public.

work the pole, i got the bankroll

i love to be comfortable with someone and have them be the same with me.





life is random.





chesterfield king is the song on my mind right now.

green street hooligans

okay. i can't get over a few things:

1) i have had a love for hooligans (and boys who look like hooligans, see: eric from canada) for a long time. so how had i never seen this movie.

2) it's very rare that a movie will hold my attention while i'm laying in bed past 11pm. and that i will stay awake in its entirety.

3) it's even more rare that a movie will hold my attention while i'm laying in bed past 11pm, that i stay awake in its entirety, AND that it makes me cry and not tired anymore.


i'm so in love.
it ruled. and a goal of mine for today or tomorrow is to go to soundgarden and purchase it.
that's all.

:)

oof.

this is a quote from Steve Toltz's "A Fraction of the Whole" and it's so ridiculously true and sad.

"While Terry joined the others in the pool, I subjected myself to a dreadful thing called musical chairs, another cruel game. There's one chair short, and when the music stops you have to run for a seat. The life lessons never stop at a children's party. The music blares. You never know when it's going to stop. You're on the edge the whole game; the tension is unbearable. Everyone dances in a circle around the ring of chairs, but it's no happy dance. Everyone has his eyes on the mother over by the radio, her hand poised on the volume control. Now and then a child wrongly anticipates her and dives for a chair. He's shouted at. He jumps off the seat again. He's a wreck. The music plays on. The children's faces are contorted in terror. No one wants to be excluded. The mother taunts the children by pretending to reach for the volume. The children wish she were dead. The game is an analogy for life: there are not enough chairs or good times to go around, not enough food, not enough joy, nor beds nor jobs nor laughs nor friends nor smiles nor money nor clean air to breathe . . . and yet the music goes on."


i think i need to read this book.

i still wear your heart around my throat

i feel like i have nothing to say. nothing to write about. so weird.
i guess it's because i'm keeping a lot of things to myself lately.

if me at 16 had met me today, me at 16 would probably punch me today.
i'm not sure if that makes sense.
i don't know.

i have no idea when i got so cynical.
i mean, obviously time, and a handful of people made me that way.
i just thought i'd never give up. and i think i have.

me and esun were talking about tattoos.
and the next one i'm getting has so much meaning,
that it's really hard for me to discuss with a lot of people who know me really well.
i will probably only really tell the meaning to a few people.

that's something else i don't like about myself now.
i used to be so open and i'd tell anyone anything.



i'm not even sad, so i'm not sure why this entry comes out as depressing.
whateverrrr. tomorrow is thursday! bar night!

cannot wait to see trishy this weekend.

you're a long way from the place you thought you'd be by now

today is probably the worst day i've had in years.

if you asked me in high school where i'd be in 5 years...this is probably the total opposite of what i thought...and i've been out of school for 6 years now.

i live at home. i have not graduated college. i am single...sooooo far from being in a serious relationship. i do have a decent job...but i got that because my mom is friends with my boss.
i am probably going to fail at least one of the incompletes that i had to turn in today...which makes 4 or 5 classes i have left to take until i can graduate.

i feel like i'm so far behind on life. i wanted to be out of college, married or close to it, and working with photography.

i'm unhappy with my stomach. i don't want to hear i'm not fat. i know i'm not fat. but i'm not what i want to be. i want to be toned and in shape. i want to be tan. and i never want my eyeliner to smear on my eyelid after i put it on. sorry. that was a bit ridiculous.


i had a huge falling out with danny tonight. i've been taken advantage of for a long time. i didn't mind, because i love danny and i've seen the amazing person that he can be. but there are just too many times that he has no respect or regards for his "best friends" and their feelings. i just can't do it anymore. it really sucks. but being told that "it's pathetic that i cling to him like a lifeline" is pretty shitty. oh, and did i mention totally untrue? yeah.

fuck today.

i'm still waiting for you to get over this

i'm seriously getting sick of being let down.


as a good friend, my opinion should matter.
you completely disrespected me.




the two dudes who mean the most to me seem to be the worst ones in my life.

this night's almost over

well, now that it's been announced that blink 182 is getting back together,
it has sent me back into being 16 again completely.
i'm watching their videos and thinking dudes skating is the cutest thing ever.
in all honesty though, blink 182 basically defined who i was for a very long time.

this weekend was pretty good.
friday i was the designated driver (and i actually did remain relatively sober).
we went to wes' and it was a good time. josh was there wasted. i kept my composure.
then we went to james davidsons. he was naked when we got there, of course.
paul, jake, and jake came and that ruled bc i haven't seen paul in months, and i love both jakes.
james and chris slept.
tony and ryan came over and we watched jackass til i passed out around 6am.
sarah, james, and i had a sleepover in their living room.

saturday we went to happy hour.
i was drunk before we left and sarah was the designated driver (unbelievable!!)
me, sarah, james, chris, and matt watched stepbrothers.
i was already being incoherent when we left for steve's house.
me and matt played beer pong and won a couple games.
i continued to drink.
paul and jake showed up again and i got happy again.
i made friends.
matt won a decent amount of money on craps and c lo.
i started to pass out on dustin at like 430 (i think?)
so he walked me to the car and got me home safe, wooooo.

today i took some pictures.
i love going on picture taking adventures with sarah because she gets excited like she is the photographer.


wednesday is paul's birthday and i'm excited. woooo 21!!!!
stoked on everyone turning 21 this year.

what a busy day.

today i:

- worked for 8 hours and 45 minutes.
- went to happy hour and got drunk with ryan and danny.
- sobered up and hung out with sarah and james.
- came home and flipped out crying.
- recovered from that and giggled.
- poured my heart out in an email.



overall, a productive day.

party bus

was a huge success. thanks tim, sean, dustin, and amy for including me :)

cannot wait to see the pictures!!


me, ryan, and lindsey are talking about getting one for our birthdays!!
party bus, the spring edition coming sooooooooon!


c u guiz 2nite

omg !!

tucker is such a human. look at how he's sitting.

i'd do anything for you, give you the world if i could

people i've known for years still continue to blow my mind.






looking back at the last 3 years, and how many times i've been let down, it's seriously no wonder i've given up completely on dudes.

(for the record, i never thought i would say that, or feel that way)

if i tried to explain it, i wouldn't know where to start

i'm not sure why i complain so much on my blog, but not on livejournal. oh well.

being famous in the hardcore world means nothing in real life,
and i wish people would realize it.
klipa is like, a zombie now. thanks tui.

anyway, sidebar was amazing last night.
backhand set it fucking off.
and dirty money of course.

friday was a nice family dinner at don pablos.
me, lindsey, and sarah drank margaritas and got drunk.

saturday was a party in towson.
everyone got drunk and danny peed on me.


i spent a lot of money this weekend, so this week consists of a lot of nothing,
because the party bus is friday!!! and i need money. and according to sean, i will be being vomited on. greaaaat. let's see how many bodily fluids (from other people) i can get on me before january ends, hahahah.

you broke your body before i could get to you

why why why.
why does every boy i have dated since rob have some sort of radar when i might be happy or confused about another dude.
they must have this radar.
because they come in and fuck with my head everytime.
and everytime it ends up getting to me.



everyone knows who it comes back to, anyway.
what's the fucking point.



pretty sure i'm in the middle of a semi-serious bender. c u guiz when im done.

i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay

i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.


i still love you.


fuck it all.

i can haz puppiezzzzzz!
tucker and waylon!


life is good. i can't stand writing in 2 places, and i refuse to disrespect livejournal.
so if you wanna read details, go there.


wingz tonight. i'm stoked.

no warning for the dead

all i want to do is listen to new york hardcore and hate the world.


i don't want to talk about the following things with my parents, however my parents literally only talk to me about the following things:

- elvis/getting a new hound dog.
- cleaning my room.
- how my job hunt is going.


1. because i avoided the house after he died, they more or less hoarded all of his things into their room and i'm left with nothing but the fucking set of pictures i made on flickr. also, i don't want a dog that i'm going to compare to him. aka no hound dogs.

2. it's my motherfucking room. i'll clean it when i feel like it. don't come in it. don't look at it. that's pretty simple. the truth: i do think it's a mess.and i do intend on cleaning it. but i'm 23 fucking years old and the more i am nagged about it, the less inclined i am to do it.

3. my job hunt's going just fucking fine. i have 2 interviews tomorrow. i have 2 more people i need to schedule interviews with. and meanwhile i still have hilda. so really, get the motherfuck off my back about the job hunt.


i am seriously so grumpy. this is how i feel after really good weekends. coming home is like coming off of heroin.


i had a lottttttt of fun this weekend. i love when shows are big enough that people travel from all over to go to them. and hosting them is even better. meeting new people is awesome.

job hunting

oh hai, hire me.


i'm so sick. dying.

b9 confessions thread is ruining my life, in the best way possible.


INTEGRITY tomorrow.

&i swear, i'll never let you if you come away with me

the saddest thing i have done so far in 2009 happened this morning.


i woke up in my bed, reached for my dog, realized he'd never be there again.
cried myself back to sleep.
woke up in the morning in my black t-shirt.
and there were no elvis hairs on it.



being in my house is the most depressing thing.
my parents won't stop crying.
i can't even look at them. i just sit in my room.
i came home last night and actually closed my bedroom door.
i haven't done that in years, because elvis didn't like feeling trapped.