i swear i'll do my best to comply

watching you right now is killing me. i swear i'd do anything to fix how you feel. you put up an incredible facade, for a long time. i'm so happy that after 3 and a half years of being close you've started seriously opening up to me about things that upset you...but it really hurts to see you like this. you deserve so much more credit than you give yourself. the amount of drinking you're doing is scaring me but i know perfectly well to just let this run its course. it will be okay. and i'll hold your hand until it is, because god knows you've held mine through so much. just please realize your worth.

this is all about a secret i have

i could probably listen to texas is the reason all day and be content.


my horoscope today (via b daily news) is Come mid-afternoon, you won’t be able to take any more stupidity. Let the idiots know today is not their day. i didn't make it til mid-afternoon. i let a woman working for ezpass know that she was a crazy bitch around 10am this morning. i guess that's mid-afternoon somewhere though.

i want to chalk my random crying and craziness as of late up to seasonal depression. february and march are the most torturing months every year. i've gotten a lot more tolerable of colder weather, but i'm so ready for the spring. driving around with my windows down listening to something that makes me smile just to hear, no matter how many times i've heard it. i want to have more cookouts, more pickup soccer games, more hanging my legs out the window while someone drives, more summer love, more spontaneous trips to the beach, more happy hour afternoons outside at ja murphys, more sitting outside at todd conner's on saturday afternoons, more trips to loch raven and more cliff jumping. i want to be able to get out of work and still have a couple hours left of daylight, that fade into warm nights. summer makes me feel like a kid on christmas, every year.

it's just really unfortunate that more and more i'm starting to want to share my summer with someone besides just my friends. then again, maybe that's more of the seasonal depression talking.

into you like a train

so basically what this blog is turning into is just me and my high school whining about boys. i'm okay with that.

i don't really know what my problem is. i'm not a shy girl. i'm a pretty outgoing person, especially when i'm drinking. so i have on idea what my hold up is. normally if i want something, i go for it, without really thinking twice. but in this particular situation i am so shy/awkward/nervous to say anything.

i was even set up pretty good to put it out there last night and still couldn't. and i was most definitely drunk last night. i can fall down the steps of ottobar, but i can't be like eyyo i'm tryna hollar at you. liquid courage is not in my dictionary apparently.

i'm getting more confident than it's not just me feelin it, but i'm still not sure. that might be my hold up. when dudes are into me they're usually so obvious about it that i don't even have to do anything. uncertainty freaks me out and makes me double check my forwardness haha


oh life, always silly.

you came out of nowhere, and caused a collision

i ended something super necessary last night. i mean. on one hand there was nothing to end. but it was still something that had to be said. it's just a horrible situation.

in other situations, i don't know how to win a guy over. this bothers me a lot. i think i tend to "date down" or date people that i think realistically i could do better than (you have no idea how horrible it makes me feel to say it like that, but i can't think of any other way to put it). but this one particular dude, who's got me kind of spun up right now, i feel like he's ridiculously out of my league in terms of what i actually deserve vs. what he deserves. like, if for some reason i could get him to give me a chance, i'd be constantly nervous that i was going to fuck it up somehow.

it's bad enough that i get drunk and talk about it, hahaha. i hate that i am so comfortable with so many of my friends that my secrets are between me and like 12 people. i just like to get their opinions. and from what i'm seeming to hear, this entire situation is totally backed. which is awesome considering the 10-12 months i've just had where nothing was backed at all.



ottobar tonight. i haven't seen in every room in so long and i've heard they're really improved. and then dancing, dancing, dancing! i hope this weekend is a successful one.

not drinking for a month?

i was driving to work this morning thinking about how i've had some of the same tattoo ideas for literally 4+ years and there's pretty much no excuse as to why i don't have them. other than the fact that i spend probably $200 (at least) a month at the bar. obviously i do this for a couple reasons. 1) it's easier than forcing someone to have a party. 2) it's cleaner than having a party. 3) you can invite whoever you want and get more ridiculous and belligerent than at a house. 4) i go through phases where i get obsessed with the bar atmosphere.

i started to keep track of how much i spent in 2009, but gave up in like mid-februrary because it was already depressing me. so that all being said,

tattoos > getting drunk.

at least for a month. i'd start today if i could, but i think i need some time to mull this idea over. being in a bar and not drinking makes me so uncomfortable and antsy. i hope that's not a bad sign? haha

i think i'm going to start using this again.

i don't really like writing super in-depth things on my tumblr, because it moves so fast and it's so public. plus, i don't even think any of my friends use this anymore. even if they do, they'd have to click on my profile to read it.

i read through all of my previous entries, and i was surprised at how much i was putting out there. looking back at 2009, i didn't think i felt as bad/misplaced/confused as i was writing. but maybe i was, who knows. with the exception of one (major) event, i do a pretty good job at blocking out the shitty memories.

new found glory's 10th anniversary of their self-titled was last night. it was incredible. i can't explain how much it means to me. i've said it a million times, and i'll say it 10 million more before i die, but music is the best thing that's ever happened to me. i wish everyone could feel what it felt like, but then i think it'd just be an ordinary feeling. who knows.

i'm a little upset with myself because i feel like i want to be in a relationship again. like, legitmately. granted, this is the longest i've been single...ever? me and lem broke up in like, august of 2008 and i've talked to a couple people, but that's about it. normally i go straight from one (fucked up) relationship to another (fucked up) relationship. i want something different this time. lemon taught me a lot about what i do and don't want. not that i need a relationship, or anything. i'm still really content being single. it's awesome to be able to go do whatever, whenever, with whoever. but there's something missing from that too, obviously.

ryan is probably single-handedly the best dude i've ever met in my life. seriously, such a great friend, for so many reasons. i wish i was going to tegan&sara with him, gabrielle, and dan tonight.


meh. there's a lot more i could talk about, but i think i'm done writing for today, because my brain is just a clusterfuck.

planes mistaken for stars

&we're all dying from what we can't touch.
&we've built shines of where we've laid.
we're only lying to say we'll lay there again.
so fuck your remember whens,
because we're still breathing.
this is your document. your last dance.
so fuck your standing still.





such amazing lyrics.