planes mistaken for stars

&we're all dying from what we can't touch.
&we've built shines of where we've laid.
we're only lying to say we'll lay there again.
so fuck your remember whens,
because we're still breathing.
this is your document. your last dance.
so fuck your standing still.





such amazing lyrics.

nothing ever changes as we all grow older

so, i've been thinking. and i think when people get older they just settle. there's no logical explanation as to why there are so many people in their early 20s who are single, but when you get to your late 20s the number is more than cut in half. you don't automatically meet your "soulmate" when you hit 25. you just give up trying and settle. pretty sure i've got that figured out.

also pretty sure that i hate the person/people who made me feel like that.
and pretty sure that i hate money. and lack of it. and being 24 and trying to establish a career during a recession. and the fact that this is my first summer where i don't have at least one day during the week off. and the fact that i have no idea what my job title will even be in a matter of weeks. and driving home from work. and living at home, because i don't have enough space for myself.


the past 2 weeks (during the week) have been so shitty that i don't remember the last time i was so down on myself and life. some of it's my fault. some of it is just sheer bad luck.

i told rena that god is real and he got mad at me for saying he's not and for talking shit on him all the time, so he's pissing all over me. i'm probably right. hah.



fuck.the.world.because.the.world.fucked.me

other than all of that though

when i'm not down about money or living at home and having no space/time to myself, i really am having a ton of fun.

being a tumbleweed, blowing where life takes me.

rena and i went to philly last weekend and were seriously all over the place.
a clothing line launch for our friend katie's boyfriend, katies house for drinking games, a first friday party called the bounce that was amazing. one of the funnest dance parties i've been to.
we spent the night at esun's house, after a long night of making him dance with us.
brunch at south street diner with rae, then to the barbary for one life crew. ruled seeing them. never really thought i'd have the chance.
got some food and went into center city to drink.
kyle (bf from 5 years ago) showed up. that ruled.
me, him, and rena slept in my car because none of our friends answered their phones to give us a place to sleep, hahaha.

life is most fun when it's at its most random.

there's too much there sometimes

i want to re-do everything.
it would be awesome.

i would never have gone to college.
and if i had, it wouldn't have been for photography.
it would've been for some joke major that businesses all seem to find so amazing.
accounting, finance, business, etc.

i wouldn't have left philly.
i would've figured it out on my own.
that way i wouldn't have gotten involved with josh.

i would've worked more in high school.
that way i would've had some more experience in saving money.
i would've probably been out of my house by now.


i hate going through this thing with my job.
i feel like they look at me like i'm shit.
when in reality i'm not. at all.
i grew up with a bunch of people who turned into cokeheads, heroin addicts, alcoholics, junkies, and whores.
i never did any of that. it showed me what i didn't want.



i have no time for photography if i want to do things with my friends.
i don't even have the space in my fucking small ass room to do any studio type work that i want.
and even if i did have the time, i don't have the money to get film developed.
or the darkroom that my dad promised he would set up for me.


i want to go on vacation and never fucking come back.